somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just made my gag reflex go away.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
