he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
