she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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