I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
