I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
