if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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