I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
