Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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