Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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