i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
