There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
And then my night got REAL pukey
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
