Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
