I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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