He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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