the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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