so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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