Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
