It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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