i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
