party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
operation have a gay friend backfired
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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