I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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