woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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