Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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