I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
