My sheets look like a crime scene.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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