I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
