All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
