your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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