if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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