i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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