i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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