it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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