It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
