Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
