The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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