I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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