I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
