you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
