I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
