Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Two words: nipple clamps
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