Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
