I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
