I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
