____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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