So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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