well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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