Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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