i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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