I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
