It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
