I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
