Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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