...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
