it wasn't lemon gatorade
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
