he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
