Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
