The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
