I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
