Plan B is the new Plan A
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
