i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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