You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
