I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Come share oat with me in your robe
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize