I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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