You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize