He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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