omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just puked most of my soul out..
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