My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
